Monday, October 02, 2006

Silent Comedy

A videotape is brought to us by the industrious and remarkably well-connected Yosri Fouda. He tells us that it "emerged" "through a previously tested channel". This is reassuring. It starts off with a tall guy addressing a bunch of people in the desert. Then there's a cut: we see two jolly students sitting round chatting, ten days later, indoors, somewhere or other. They look as if they are taking the piss, which is quite a common pastime amongst students. One of them has a right good laugh trying on a hat before deciding it doesn't suit him. Eventually, they take turns reading something or other to the camera. This is where it gets exciting, but unfortunately the camera couldn't record sound. Anyway. Yosri Fouda tells us that the tape is "chilling" and that it shows "suicide pilots at Bin Laden’s HQ". What a scoop. But although those two speakers address that camera face-on, in close-up, for minutes on end, "a US source" says that their words can't be lip-read. What a let-down. They must have been speaking Old High Gaelic with a strong Kerry accent, or Martian.

This tape proves something, apparently.


  1. Well thank goodness these masterminds remembered to take the lens cap off when recording their no doubt evil message of hate to the world.

    This level of incompetence is rarely found outside secret services, which raises terrifying questions.....

  2. What next from Al Qaeda's state-of-the-art multimedia studios? Evil Atta - the cartoon?

    It is amazing how these products keep "emerging" into Yosri Doo-dah's hands. Industrial Light & Magic.

  3. If they can't lip read, why don't they just get the world's worst writer, martin amis in?
    He's a dab hand at the old mind reading, especially with infrequent flyers of the the islamofascist ilk and he was bang on about stalin being horrible.

  4. Martin Amis obliges:

    "All praise to Allah, who is the boss. Here is my Last Will and Testament before I die of constipation. I don't want that hat. I leave my money to Osama bin Laden so that he can buy a video camera that works. I am almost comically malevolent. America better watch out.

    It's my pal's turn to speak now."

  5. "P.S. I nearly forgot: After I explode in a blaze of glory or something, no ladies should be permitted to wash my naughty bits, should these be found in the wreckage.

    Malevolently yours,

    Mohammed Atta"

    [Interpreter: Martin Amis]

  6. feerie2:29 PM

    I like the recent flurry of "Look! Its Al Qaeda's worst, and they're OBVIOUSLY talking about 9/11 and their plans!! Making suicide notes!!!!!!! BELIEVE US!!!!!" This is the 2nd or 3rd over the past month or so. Yes, these malevolent terrorists cant record audio in their camcorder, and leave tape after tape just lying around. Oh and we cant lipread it, but we know exactly what they're doing and saying, mmmhmm.

    Must have forgotten to send them back to Al Qaedaflix.

  7. The real martin amis wishes to commnicate that:
    It is common knowledge that terrorists speak in exactly the same manner as all the other grotesques in my ouevre.
    Thus they would not use the crude, demonic, demotic of "naughty bits" but describe their tackle of terror as "scrofulously menacing pendants of evil". The clip clearly shows the man saying "with this evil cap, I will cap my evilness".
    I would translate more, if I wasn't so busy explaining how difficult life is for a long island novelty novelist in the age of horrorism, where the foul, fulminating imams of evil would readily form a jury against my posh wife's jewry.

  8. Funniest line ever; "i don't want that hat."

    what he said of course, really, was closer to, "'pon my oath, this headpiece pleaseth me not."

    and i first thought that said my posh wife's jewelry. (that'll work too).

  9. It reminds me of a screen-test I once did for the role of a spokesman for the propaganda ministry in a medium-budget SF movie. I turned up wearing a suit and tie, but eventually decided against it and put on a buttoned-up military shirt. I too was required to read a chilling message to the video camera, and I burst out laughing in the middle of it after fluffing a particularly awful line.

    Got it right on the second take, though. And if I ever die in a terrorist bombing, somebody could dig up that screen test, minus the sound, and use it as 'proof' that I planted the bomb.

    Not that anyone would, of course.

  10. And then we'll all be able to say: that qlipoth, always knew he was a wrong un...and there's the proof! Sci fi film?!?!! that story never fooled me for a minute,mate